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One Liners About Headliners

(This is a new weekly feature in the Chowdah. Think Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update, only funny.)

  • The Houston Rockets traded for Russell Westbrook this past week. Houston sent Chris Paul to Oklahoma City, which in today’s NBA is the equivalent of being pushed out on a raft and set on fire.

  • Toronto’s Vladimir Guerrero Jr. hit 91 home runs in last week’s Home Run Derby but thankfully he didn’t win because the last time Toronto won anything, Major League Baseball canceled the next World Series in protest.

  • Seriously though, even in defeat Vladdy stole the show in Cleveland. So much so that after being spurned by Kawhi Leonard, Lebron James offered Vlad Jr a max-deal to come to the Lakers and a lead role in Space Jam 2. Vladimir Guerrero’s baby boy however turned down Lebron just like his Torontonian forefathers Kawhi Leonard, Joe Carter, Kelly Gruber, Pat Tabler and Punch Imlach.

  • San Diego Los Angeles Chargers running back Melvin Gordon said this week that he wants a new contract or he will sit out training camp. The Antonio Brown on his shoulder says this is a great idea and he will get more guaranteed money. While the Le’Veon Bell on his other shoulder is saying “Be careful or you’ll wind up a Jet.”

  • The Red Sox released reliever Tyler Thornburg this past week, bringing to an end his disappointing 2.5 year stint in Boston, or more accurately Pawtucket, Portland, Lowell, Pawtucket, Portland, Portland, Lowell, Greenville and Pawtucket. Thornburg was the Red Sox highest paid reliever, making $1.75 million this season. Which is sadder: that Thornburg was the Red Sox highest paid reliever or that the team with the largest payroll in baseball paid their most expensive relief pitcher the same amount the San Diego Padres paid Goose Gossage in 1985? (The correct answer is the saddest part was trading Travis Shaw for Tyler Thornburg.)

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