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Bill's hoodie must be tied too tightly if he thinks the Dallas Cowboys are "well coached."

November 21, 2019

 

Every week, appearing as if being forced to do so at gunpoint, Bill Belichick stands in front of the unwashed media masses, staring sternly out at the wide eyed throng, looking like he is in a great deal of pain as he listens to their questions. 

 

He repeatedly utters the same answers weekly, not even trying to veil his great disdain for those who dare to interrogate him with inquiries so unworthy of his time.

 

I swear some week he is going to just bust out full Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men.

 

“I have neither the time, nor the inclination to explain myself, to people who bask under the glow of the Lombardi Trophies I provide and then question the manner in which I provide them! I’d rather you just said ‘thank you’, and went on your way.”

 

One piece of Belichick standard operating procedure is to heap largely unwarranted praise on that weeks opponent. Regardless of how high the team will be drafting during the upcoming off season, he’ll prattle about how they do things well in all three facets of the game.

 

But this week my BS meter exploded when The Hooded One began to pour adulation upon the Dallas Cowboys, exalting particular praise on their pea brained coach.

 

“They really do everything well," he said at his press conference Wednesday. "Create a lot of problems in all three phases of the game. Very well coached. 

 

Wait? What? Jason Garrett has the team coached up?

 

This is as absurd as some woman fighting with a white cat all over my Facebook feed.

 

Bill, who clearly either has lost his mind, suffered a stroke, or just doesn’t give a flying donut what he says any more went on to opine:

 

“Jason (Garrett) has been down there nine years. He had a long career as a player and a solid career as a coach. He’s played for a lot of great coaches and coached with some, too —They are very well coached. 

 

Let that soak in. He publicly went on record saying that the Dallas Cowboys are very well coached. His nose should be the size of a lamp post. 

 

Bill Belichick is a football genius and probably the greatest coach of all time in perhaps any sport. Unless his hood is tied on way too tight, there’s no way he thinks Jason Garrett is coaching up the Cowboys very well.

 

I bet I can’t find a Cowboy fan who thinks this knucklehead has any idea what he is doing on the sidelines. My friends who are Boys fans are often genuinely surprised Garrett can find his way to the stadium each week.

 

Even the most naive Cowboys blowhard figures Garrett must have nude pics of Jerry Jones or some other black mail tool to he’s utilizing stay employed as the Dallas coach.

 

Heck Garrett’s contract is up after this season and old Jerry hasn’t even given him an extension. Maybe it’s because this tool lost to the New York Jets this year! The Jets!

 

"We've had some nice seasons where we've made the playoffs and won a game," Stephen Jones said. 

 

I swear on my kids lives this is real quote from the Cowboys front office. What was once America’s Team now has a coach that can barely match wits with a scarecrow, and is happy to just win an occasional playoff game.

 

Maybe some year they can try to win, dare I speak it, TWO post season games in one year!?  But it’s not likely. In nine years Garett is 2-3 in the playoffs as a coach. Not sure why that impresses Bill.

 

Oh but he’s in first place this year. Yup at 6-4. Big whoop. With this massively talented roster he still was able to lose 4 of 6 before somehow beating the hapless Lions last week.

 

I hear he won the division last year. Yup at 10-6. Get ready for Canton, Ohio Jason! And by the way people diss the AFC East but let’s be honest; the NFC East blows too as the Giants and Redskins have been two of the worst steams in the league for years.

 

Go back one more year and you see he was, wait for it, 9-7! I’m sold.

 

This is from the Dallas observer two weeks ago:

 

If there's one thing all but the most fervent apologists for the Dallas Cowboys head coach can agree on, it's that Jason Garrett cost his team the game Sunday night against Minnesota. Dak Prescott, Amari Cooper and Randall Cobb did the best they could to save Garrett from himself, but he insisted on shooting himself in the foot, reloading and shooting himself in the other foot."

 

As he has done the entire tenure as head coach off the Cowboys. 

 

I can’t for the life of me understand why Jason Garrett is worthy of praise from Bill Belichick. Or anyone for that matter.

 

Or maybe I just can’t handle the truth.

 

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