I have done years of play by play on the radio. I've even voiced quite a few sports highlights back in my TV sports anchoring day. So here's my call of last nights Patriots win.
8:21- NBC Sunday Night Football open hits the air. Best sports open ever! Carrie Underwood. Great special effects. Carrie Underwood. Rocking’ country song. And Carrie Underwood. She’s bringing blitz like heat while wearing a dress that looks like it lost a fight with Edward Scissorhands. NFL ratings decline? Play this video once a quarter. Problem solved.
8:32 First Bill Belichick shot of the night. Action footage of the greatest coach of all time, unshaven, pulling up his hoodie complete with cutoff sleeves. Don’t forget the blue wind pants and white sneakers. And to think old school coaches, some as recently as Dan Reeves, wore suits on the sideline. Bill looks like he had a rough night at a Denver bar, overslept and had to run his kid to an early morning sports practice before doing some yard work all hungover.
8:35- Pats go three and out. I curse. But Denver muffs the punt. Two plays later its 7-0. Rout is on.
8:42- Cris Collinsworth, who I think is very good, utters the first mind-numbingly stupid sentence of the night after the Denver QB competes a long pass. “Osweiler picks up right where he left off in 2015.” Ummm, he stunk like a skunk in Houston and got run out of Cleveland by the winless Browns before that one decent pass. I wish I could block out a couple of years of my past too.
9:01. Martellus Bennett, too injured to play for Green Bay so he was cut, picked up off waivers by the Pats three days earlier, catches a 27-yard pass from Brady. Just another reason the Patriots are slightly less popular than North Korean leader Kim Jong-un worldwide. Only in New England.
9:22- Walt Coleman announces Gronks no-catch is not a catch as it was ruled on the field. Coleman is the referee of the “tuck rule” game in 2002. I’m pretty sure he’s older than dirt which can’t be confirmed on line. Trust me I checked every sight. No age listed. Best kept secret on the planet.
9:35- Another Emmanual Sanders catch. The only thing Sanders could do now to further embarrass Malcom Butler is to pull Butler's pants down on national TV. 114 first half yards. Butler couldn’t defend Colonel Sanders from a bucket of extra crispy at this point.
9:56- Dwayne Allen catches a touchdown. This is a sentence I never thought I would be writing. His first catch in 34 quarters of play this year. Only in New England Part 2.
10:01- Halftime. 27-9 pats. No Carrie Underwood to be seen but my daughter’s hamster Tami did just run by. I’ll go catch her. Wish Malcolm Butler was here. God knows he’s good at running after things that get past him.
10:24- Denver scores. Who cares. Hamster caught after racking up some good yardage. Pats may claim her off waivers. If they do, play her on your fantasy team next week.
10:35- Long Pats drive results in a Lewis TD. 34-16 good guys. I’m thinking one more score and I’m heading to bed.
10:39- Al Michaels has the stat of the night. “Of the lest 32 super bowls, the AFC has been represented by the Patriots or Broncos in 16 of them." My MDI education tells me that’s 50%. How about that?
11:01- Pats drive 94 yards to crush the orange. James White TD. 41-16. Happy! But then I remember I traded Lewis and White for Carson Wentz in my fantasy league. Maybe I should have kept them.
I may stay up to see if there’s is another Carrie Underwood sighting on TV. Or fleeing hamster in my house. Or maybe Collinsworth will say something else dumb.
11:14: Collinsworth says something else dumb. “Osweiler looks better out here tonight. He looks sharp.” That precise moment Brock is picked off by Patrick Chung. Collinsworth even had to laugh at himself. As he should have done when he put on his V-neck sweater from 1989.
11:35 or so. Hoyer finishes off Pats win. New England is now 7-2. 12th road win in a row. 86th road win for Brady- most ever.
2:42am: I wake up after dreaming about Butler chasing a hamster. Would rather have been dreaming about Carrie.